


I don't want to be anywhere.

by the_beginer_of_time



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Blood, Cutting, Fainting, Homophobic Language, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Break Up, Sad Alec, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:20:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21586759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_beginer_of_time/pseuds/the_beginer_of_time
Summary: After Magnus broke up with him he didn't have any other place to stay, his father kicked him out for "choosing" to be homosexual.He also didn't want to be anywhere but thats besides the point....
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 18
Kudos: 93





	1. Chapter 1

He was walking alone on the streets and not knowing where to go. 

He had been thrown out from Magnus apartment after getting his stuff. So he was walking around with a bag of clothes and a toothbrush. He was going to throw the bag away soon because he did not want it or have to look at it when it just brought back memories of his and Magnus time. 

If he just hadn't talked to Camille and been such a big idiot he would probably be laying in Magnus arm and warmth and not be freezing cold out on the street as a homeless. 

He actually did go by the institute, but as soon as he stepped foot inside, his dad walked right up to him and told him he would not let some fag who abounded his family for a guy and a downworlder into his home. He had seen Isabelle further away but she hadn't said anything.

And thats why he's basically a homeless. 

He went by a trashcan and dumped everything there. But thats when he saw something light blue fall out and he noticed it was the scarf that Magnus had given him those months ago. He picked it up and just starred at it for a long time before he rapped it around his throat and inhaled the sent that still lingered off Magnus sandalwood shampoo that he loved so much.

\---  
About 2 hours later he was standing outside a bar. He slowly walked in and took a seat at the bar and asked for a shot. 

"ID?" the barista asked.

He can not actually legally drink because he's just nineteen. But the barista didn't know that.

"I left it at home, can I just get a drink?" he was tired and heartbroken. So why not get waisted and do something he won't remember. Maybe jacking of in the toilet while thinking of Magnus?

"Sorry little man but I can not give you a drink unless you're 21" then he walked away from Alec and went to another customer. 

He stood up and went to the door of the bar to get out. When he had gotten out he looked across the street and saw some broken glass. And because Alec wasn't really in a good state of mind he walked right up to the broken pieces and picked a really sharp one up. He held it tightly in his hand until it draw blood. It dripped along his arm til it got to his elbow where it dripped down. He shivered, it was freezing outside and he didn't have a jacked. The only thing that kept him warm was the scarf. 

And then he started thinking about the scarf which means he started to think about Magnus. So he raised the sharp glass to his wrist and pressed it down hard and sliding it across his wrist. 

It hurt. 

Alot. 

But he couldn't care less. 

He did it again on his other arm. He felt dizzy after a while. And soon black spots started to plop in his vision. 

" Thud " It said as he fell to the ground. 

He could hardly keep his eyes open. But as he closed them he saw his life flashing before his eyes. 

All the good times with Magnus. 

And with Jace and Isabelle. 

Slowly he breathed out and everything went dark.

\----------------------------------------------

He's eyes drifted open and he was staring at a dark wall. 

He groaned. His whole body hurt and he didn't know how he got here from the street. 

"are you awake now?" a recognizable voice said.

"Magnus?" It can't be can it? He said he wouldn't care about him anymore after their last meeting. 

" I can't believe you would do something like that to yourself!" He sounded angry. Angry at me. Alec shivered. 

And accidentally let out a whimper.

" sorry " I said with a weak voice.

Magnus looked at him and his eyes soften. 

"Why would you do something so dangerous?" 

Alec looked up at him and starred right in his eyes. 

"I don't want to be here anymore" 

Magnus looked confused

"here?" he said as he pointed at the floor of his apartment. 

" I don't want to be anywhere" 

Magnus looked at him horrified. 

" it's because I don't have a reason to live anymore. I'm basically not a shadowhunter anymore, because my dad kicked me out when I came back. Just because i'm gay. And i took the bag of clothes that you gave me and trashed it. So i went out to a bar but I didn't drink anything. And then I just took some piece of glass and cut myself. It was so easy and quick."

Magnus had a blank look on his face. 

" i'm sorry to hear that. If you want i can help you find an apartment.?"'

Alec felt disappointment slip into him. He didn't want to live alone in an apartment that his boy - ex boyfriend had gotten him. 

"Sure" he said instead. 

"i'm going to go look, okey? You stay here and rest."

As he walked out Alec waited until it got quiet. Then he slipped out of the queen sized bed and out to the balcony. 

" I'm sorry Magnus but as I said, I don't want to be here. " 

And then just as easy as the glass he leaped out from the balcony. But not before he also heard a shout from a voice he recognized as Magnus.

" sorry " he said as a tear slipped and then he hit the ground and everything felt numb. And just like before he saw his life flash before his eyes. 

And he was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's time for the dull funeral...

When Isabelle found out she didn't happen to take it that well. 

She also blamed Magnus on Alec's death.

But non the less, she was the one to decide how the funeral would look even tho its all white clothing and memorial assembling. 

When Jace found out or more like actually felt it. Withering in pain and screams. It had hurt so bad and a part of him will be forever gone. 

He was also with clary when it happened. She didn't understand what was happening at first, but when she saw him tug up the shirt reviling his parabatai rune. Yeah she got it then.

And she was really sad about it too. She hadn't know him as long but he still felt like some kind of brother to her. 

She and Jace where supposed to go together and Jace was really really sad. A bit broken. But who wouldn't if you literally lost a part of you.

When Simon found out he got worried about where Isabelle was. And how she was feeling about her brothers death. So he had used his super speed to go and comfort her the fastest he could.

He didn't really know Alec so he didn't know how to feel. Of course he felt sad and pity for the Lightwoods. But he was also really curious on how Magnus was at the moment. He had herd Alec had died because of Magnus and not gotten any further information. 

When Robert found out he was indeed sad to lose yet another child. He would forgive him for selecting to go for that side. But if he was still here then he would not really know. Was it his fault that Alec commit suicide? Or Magnus? Probably the downworlder he thought.

When Magnus saw it. Alec, falling fast to the ground. And he wasn't fast enough to stop him he blamed himself right there. He also used his last strength to pick Alec off from the ground about twenty feet below. He had then looked up everything to see if there was any chance to save him. There wasn't. And he hated himself for it. Alec was only eighteen years old. 

He had called Maryse and told her about Alec's suicide. And she had completely broken on the phone. Some guy's later came and got him. Even tho Magnus kept saying he could transport Alec's body much safer to them. But they didn't let him. 

He wasn't invited to the funeral. He didn't want to come anyway. Not because he didn't care or something along the lines. It would just feel wrong and he know that everyone would be looking at him and blame and he didn't blame them for blaming him. He does too. If he hadn't been so neutral about Alec literally cutting himself, then maybe Alec would still be alive. 

He now sat alone in his leather sofa drinking wine. Sparkling. 

He would never see him smile again. Or blush that beautiful red. Or watch as he would moan in pleasure under him. Or to stroke his beautiful black silk hair. And those beautiful shining blue eyes that he had. He would never see that again. His beautiful Alexander is forever gone.

And it was all his fault.


End file.
